God of War is one of those games that comes along once in a console generation: a game that has been so overhyped by both the publisher's PR department and the gaming press before its release that review scores are pushed beyond the stratosphere so both groups can save face. Unless you haven't owned a gaming console since the Atari 2600, you have doubtlessly heard about God of War and how "perfect" it is. In all likelihood, you bought the game, beat it, and despite a lingering doubt in your mind concerning its magnitude of greatness went on to blabber ceaselessly to your friends about how amazing it was. It's okay. Really, it is. We have all been victims of aggressive marketing departments and a complicit press. Worse things have happened. For example, during the '80's, many of us looked like this:
Before I focus on everything we glossed over ( intentionally ) when experiencing God of War for the first time, I should mention some of the many things the game did well. For its time, God of War had amazing graphics...and it was done on the PS2. The PS2 had well documented hardware limitations that God of War was able to somehow leap past in a single bound. When this game released, the faithful was treated to gorgeous, wide-open vistas with an amazing sense of scale, crisp animations, and wonderfully detailed character models. God of War rivaled practically anything released on Microsoft's graphically superior Xbox console when it came to visual prowess. Adding to God of War's potent aesthetic punch was a cinematic presentation that really got its hooks into the player. Come on, what red-blooded gamer is going to deny wanting to take part in a blood-spattered, tit-punctuated, Ray Harryhausen inspired romp through Greek mythology as a completely ruthless badass with a grudge? If you just said "no sir, not me", you are a fucking liar. What made the illusion of perfection complete for many was the fact that the gameplay mechanics driving the experience were very solid.
The love stops here. "Solid" gameplay is not enough to justify equating a game to being brought to climax by a deity. "Solid" means good enough to not shut the fucking thing off before you beat it. "Solid" is pretty damn far from perfect. Let's go through a few of the glaring flaws in this game most of you were probably to busy jizzing all over yourselves to notice, or worse yet, glossed over because you wanted so badly to believe you had experienced something akin to being fucked hard by an angel with silk genitals:
- Fixed Camera
Fixed cameras suck. I don't care about the developer's "cinematic vision." I want to be able to see where I am going, especially when I have to wade through tricky platforming sequences. Wow! The view is great...oh, fuck. I'm dead. When you can't see where you are supposed to land because a giant column is in the fucking way, it doesn't matter how fucking pretty it is.
- Useless Weapons
Let's be honest: who actually used anything other than the Blades of Chaos and a few spells in this game? Show of hands? Case closed.
- Box Pushing Puzzles
Seriously, have box pushing puzzles been fun since A Link to the Past on the SNES? That was back in '92! Granted, gamers continued to put up with contrived box-pushing and lever-pulling puzzles well into the Playstation era...but at least they were rewarded with a nice, pixelated view of Lara Croft's physically impossible ass for slogging through that bullshit. Sure, there are some great payoffs ( gruesome death animations ) to some of the more nefariously designed puzzles, but they feel like an apology for annoying gameplay. Much like Ms Croft's ass.
- Quick Time Events
Am I the only one who finds these failed Shenmue experiments ceaselessly annoying? Placing a Quick Time Event in the middle of a cutscene ( like Resident Evil 4 ) is fine. Forcing me to participate in an irritating button-sequence contrivance in the middle of combat just plain sucks. It doesn't add depth, it doesn't create "tension." All QTE driven combat does is create frustration and break immersion.
- Spinning Spiked Poles
Remember those platforming sequences from the NES days where if you fucked up once, you had to do it all over again? Well, have fun, because they're back in the form of the spinning spiked pole in God of War. I appreciate a challenge as much as the next gamer. What I don't appreciate is a nod to parts of my childhood I am happy to not have to relive.
Many of these complaints may sound petty, but in the face of a game that received a ludicrous amount of perfect tens from the gaming press at the time of its release I think they are perfectly justified. At the end of the day, God of War is still a great game, but the rose tinted glasses need to come off. In every box of chocolates there are a few hidden turds. God of War has quite a few zits under its pancake makeup, and its about time we recognized them for what they are: nasty blemishes that will make you think twice before kissing her a second time.
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